Patinelli & Chang, LLP

Redefining Yourself When Your Role as Caregiver Ends

“When looking after a loved one becomes your life, what is your life when that person’s gone?”

A 65-year old woman devoted two years of full-time caretaking for her mother. When her mother died, she was left with the process of grieving and a big void in her life that led her to ask, “Now what?” Caring for another adult, as explained in the article “What Happens When Caregiving Ends” from AARP Bulletin, can be so consuming that caregivers put their own lives on hold.

When their duties as caregivers end, it takes a while to adjust. Some say it takes from six months to a year to start feeling like themselves again. Here are some lessons learned from caregivers:

Stay busy and don’t let yourself become isolated. If you loved to travel before becoming a caregiver, return to that passion. You can travel with friends, or colleagues—best to go with friends. Others find comfort in passions like writing, which can be soothing after years of coping with constant emergencies.

Expect unexpected emotions. Caregiving is an emotional process as well as a mental and physical one. A range of emotions, from sadness and grief to anger and frustration, often emerge when your daily existence includes free time. There’s also a lot of guilt, which is very normal. Years, months or weeks of not sleeping, giving up your own interests and enjoyment in life, can lead to frustration. Then, when the person dies, you feel terribly guilty about the relief you may feel.

Don’t expect the strong and often conflicting feelings to go away overnight. It often takes years for people to work through all the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one. That is especially true if they were the primary caregiver. We tend to think in terms of one-year anniversaries, but for many people the first year is wrapped up on settling estates, distributing possessions and dealing with the business end of someone’s life. In the second year, when those tasks are done, or less time-consuming, the emotions can start flooding in. You might expect yourself to be “over it,” but you can’t force yourself to recover. It takes a very long time.

Delay any big decisions. If you’ve been putting off big decisions until after caregiving ends, give yourself permission to continue to delay them. You’re still in a fragile state and need to move slowly. Selling a house, getting a divorce or remarrying is best done when you are healed. Patience is not easy, especially when you want to make a fresh start, or move away from a home with painful memories. However, going slowly will provide you with time to heal, and to gain perspective that will allow for better decisions.

Give yourself permission to move on. When the time is right, you’ll be ready to move on. If you devoted years to taking care of your spouse and grieving when he or she died, at some point you may be ready to enter another relationship. Many people are surprised when this happens, and realize that you can love someone else, or even simply enjoy their company, after a loved one has passed.

Reference: AARP Bulletin (November 2018) “What Happens When Caregiving Ends”

Can Your Adult Children Help as You Plan for Retirement?

“Your adult children may be busy with their careers, raising families and carving out their own paths.  However, they may also want to assist with your retirement plans.”

You’ve worked hard your whole life and are just starting to plan how you’ll spend your time during retirement. You may be surprised that your adult children are interested in being involved in helping you make the transition, according to an article from Next Avenue titled “How Your Adult Children Can Help You Plan for Retirement.”

Here are three ways your kids can help you.

Talk about your hopes and dreams for retirement.

You may have spent much of the last three or four decades listening to your kids express their wishes.  However, now it’s time for you to share yours. Let your children know what you’d like to do and be as clear and specific as you can. The more they know, the more they may be able to help you.

For one family, the discussion centered on when the parents wanted to retire, where they wanted to live during retirement and how they envisioned spending their time. Questions like what would add value to your life, and what would take away from it, are good starting points. Would you choose to live in the same area as your adult children, so you could be part of their lives and their children’s lives?

The topic of grandchildren is a frequent discussion. Do you want to be a regular part of their day-to-day activities or are a few visits a year for holidays enough for you?

Can your adult children be part of your plans?

Many retirees chose to make being of service to others a large part of their retirement. Having your adult kids or grandchildren involved in the same organization as you, albeit on a different level, might make everyone’s life more fulfilling.

Communication with adult children is sometimes a challenge. Remember that you have to keep up your part of the dialogue. If your kids are more comfortable with texts than with long phone calls, be flexible.

Have the real talk about estate planning and caregiving.

Allowing your grown children to be involved with estate planning and discussing caregiving plans for later in life, can allay a lot of general fears about aging and eventually, death. It’s not the most fun conversation you’ll ever have.  However, having these conversations now, will make your later years more comfortable and less stressful for all.

Where do you want to live if you can’t live on your own? Do you want your children to take care of you or would you rather be in a care facility?

Finally, if you haven’t already had an estate plan created that includes your will, powers of attorney and medical directive, among other documents, meet with an estate planning attorney to put them in place. Consider bringing your children along to the appointment, so they know what your plans and wishes are, both during retirement and after you have passed.

Reference: Next Avenue (Aug. 21, 2018) “How Your Adult Children Can Help You Plan for Retirement”